An affliction. A state of being in which the emotions and obsessions that define the self manifest and create a psychological [and at times physical] reaction. It's fleeting; not meant to last. not really. So why is it that people choose to collect these feelings and walk around with them? In their backpockets, on their backs, on their shoulders and on their heads?
I've been told before that I have no feelings. Well of course I don't! Because once I experience said emotion, I let that shit go. Feelings are not meant to be kept and travelled with. Certainly not packed in a suitcase or kept in one's carryon luggage to be revisited and dwelt upon.
No. Feelings are for the now. Experience it in the moment then let it go. Because soon, a next feeling will come along and there you are, with two feelings, one for each hand. Then another and another and before you know it, you are inundated with all these different emotions; overwhelmed. You don't know what to do with yourself. You become confused because your mind is incapable of handling all these feelings at once. Psychosis.
You've become what Ms. Badu calls a "bag lady". A bag of drama, pain, hurt, anger, you name it.... your ass is walking around with that shit. Dragging it behind you, on wheels with your name tag on it. Guarding it with your life.
And the thing is, the painful and hurtful feelings are the heaviest of them all, because feelings of happiness and joy reside in the heart.
"I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold on to is you, is you, is yooouuuuuuu" - Erykah Badu.
I know it's hard to grasp. You see, I am a cancer and by nature we are hoarders, collectors. Precious memories deserve to be kept. It's just that since life is so precious, we end up keeping everything. Everything reminds us of some special moment in our life. I've been here for little over 3 years and if you could see the amount of shit I've accumulated your heart would weep!
Leaving next year is going to be a lot of work. Lots of load-shedding. Material things. And lots of packing. Overweight pieces. The whole works! So the last thing I need to be walking around with is an extra piece of luggage filled with feelings.
What I've learnt to do is, every night before going to sleep I submit all my "feelings" to the Universe, the spirits, the ancestors. I clear myself and my chakras of all thoughts and emotions. And I replace it all with love. Not romantic love but the love that comes from deep within.
Because truly, that's all we need. Everything else is brawta.
iNi
don't carry feelings
Nadya Dee
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