Wifey's Worst Nightmare

Dear Wifey,

It is with great disdain that I write you this letter. But the anonymous phone calls must cease and desist! Yes, I get the point, he's yours, a you wear di ring... blah blah blah... but when it comes to the goodest hole I obviously have displaced you. While you call to check on his location he LIES to you. He is not parring wid him frenz, he's not at his aunt's house, he's all up in my business and loving every second of it.

Your translucent insecurities are quite evident from your unwillingness to accept the fact that while he sleeps with you he dreams about ME. For you I feel nothing but pity. As a matter of fact I think I almost understand your plight, I mean If I was in your position I'd probably hate me too.

So while he buries his face into my secret garden yours wilts away and grows barren in anticipation of his affection. It disturbs you that while his hose causes mine to overflow, your is experiencing a depreciation of moisture. But what you need to understand is that it's not my fault.

Have you ever considered that maybe you're doing something wrong and I am doing it all right? Ofcourse you have! That's why you keep calling! Is it my advice that you're seeking? But you never speak when I answer and the few words that you do utter indicate your unwillingness to express yourself cohesively.

Pardon my bluntness, but pickney nah hold man again? di pickney weh yuh breed an have fi him nah occupy you enough? Have you no friends, no life, no dignity???

Alas it is your credit you waste when you continuously call to harass me. You ask when will it end? When buddy done y'ear? The day that him cocky stop get stiff for me is the day that I will relinquish all claim on him. You can have him then. But until then, i'll be doing who I please as I please.

If you have a problem please send a formal complaint to the Matey Control Board and I'll see you in court. You must be watching too much Lifetime. I can see you becoming a desperate and pathetic female. Is this how you've always been? must.

I'll be seeing him again, you best believe it. And I anticipate your next phone call. But this time please come with something better than "you better leave my man alone, bitch" because to be honest, that shit is getting old!

Tightly yours,
Nadya Dee