The weather is so odd... it was raining just a few hours ago and it got me into the mood to you know what but now the sun is out again. yet the feelings haven't subsided. I still have that burning desire, that yearning in my loins, that aching knowledge that I promised myself I would not indulge.
Why did I do this to myself? I guess it's somewhat like fasting. Getting in touch with the inner me while keeping my outer me untouched. What absolute poppy cock... cock...cock...cock...cock...cock... and to imagine that i've gone for weeks without feeling adored and pampered and pleased. Weeks without feeling flesh against flesh and skin against skin. Then I remember why I made my decision and I say a silent prayer and take a drink of whites to wash my sins away.
Then I reminisce on the days when I had options and I compare them to today when I have nothing but empty memories and "might as wells". Why is this such a challenge, a hassle? It's a crying shame. I long for the adventures, meetings of passion and reckless abandon. Moments of complete surrender. And I think of how they all end, every last one of them, ending in disappointment.
Maybe I require too much, maybe I need to channel my positive energy to elicit a positive outcome. Or maybe i'm afraid that what I long for is REALLY too good to be true. And disappointment is imminent.
Yet, on the other hand, no one should be forced to accept mediocrity, well at least not me.
When I have so much to offer, so much to teach and so much to learn.
Where is my partner? the bolt for this nut, to screw me until I feel all is right with this miserable existence. Someone to achieve multiple simultaneous ecstasy with me, for me, inside of me.
Alas, as my pot boils and the juices approach the edge. I try to control the fire, the burning and yearning. And I stew and simmer, waiting for the ONE to come and feast at my banquet. As we both nourish ourselves. The never-ending fulfilling, ever-lasting climax.
All worth the wait.
What is Evolution?
“We began as a mineral. We emerged into plant life, and into the animal state, and then into being human, and always we have forgotten our former states, except in early spring when we slightly recall being green again. That’s how a young person turns toward a teacher. That’s how a baby leans toward the breast, without knowing the secret of its desire, yet turning instinctively. Humankind is being led along an evolving course, through the migration of intelligences, and though we seem to be sleeping, there is an inner wakefulness that directs the dream, and that will eventually startle us back to the truth of who we are.”
— The Story of Evolution - Rumi, 13th Century
Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."