To Whom It May Concern

As you may or may not already know, your man wants me. He calls me at all hours of the night begging and pleading to be in my company. I'm not sure what it is I could have possibly done to deserve his affections but I thought it only right to inform you that it needs to stop, IMMEDIATELY.

He is out of control. He shows up at my house uninvited; he follows me around in public despite my attempts to maintain a civil distance; he even showers me with unsolicited gifts. 

I have tried to deter him the best I know how, with tact and decorum, but before I tell him two klaat I thought it best to inform you. Maybe you can talk likkle sense into him. 

What is it that you aren't doing that is causing your man to stray? Is this something you have even considered? Let me tell you something I've learnt since interacting with your spouse: Men enjoy challenges and rejection. So maybe you should try that. 

Or maybe that's what you've been doing and it's been backfiring on you. Is it?

Do you not realize his absence at night time? Or have you become complacent? Do you really think he's out chilling with friends or doing whatever lies he tells you? Are you that naive? 

Perhaps I shouldn't blame you. When you captured him you thought the race was finally over, you won. Well let me let you in on a little secret: You didn't. It seems you here are the Biggest Loser. 

And so am I, because try as I may, he will not leave me be. He is actually convinced that he and I are meant to be together. 

He is obviously delusional. Because even if I were to consider being second wife to any woman, she certainly would not be you. No offense. 

I just have higher standards than you it seems. Not to mention, he's not that big of a catch anyways. He lacks a certain 'je ne sais quoi' I look for in a man.
He simply canna cross it. 

Let me conclude this advisory with a further warning: If your man continues to make advances towards me I will have no other option but to resort to military tactics for I am losing my patience. 

This situation simply cannot continue. He belongs to you, so chain him up or I will. 

Tightly yours

The object of your mans affections.