10.20.2009

More Than Enuf



A little over a month ago I went to Tokyo to help a friend out with an event she was doing called 'More Than Enuf' [See flyer above]. (Shouts to Monique and M & U Promotions!!!) Somehow due to the misunderstandings that usually come with the preparation for such events, I ended up participating in the show as Lady in Yellow (See pics below) instead of MC-ing.

'More Than Enuf', which was basically a remake of the stageplay, 'For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enuf' by Ntozake Shange featured poems from the original play as well as original pieces from select performers.

The overall experience was uplifting. It was great to see strong, black women coming together to express themselves through poetry and music and I am blessed and grateful to have been a part of it.


Lady in Yellow (& pink) More Than EnuF


With that being said, the reason I am doing this post is because a friend of mine, affectionately called Pernalise, played a pivotal role in the play as Lady in Red and performed some of the most poignant poetry I have heard/ read in a while. Words that shook me to the core, conveying feelings that I myself have always wanted to say but have never been able to. So after much waiting she finally sent me the poems and gave me permission to post them on my blog.

Trust me the poem them shot!!!

Here they are:

Still

Rationalise as I may,
The part of me that’s telling me that when it comes to you I deserve better
Is the part of me that’s not making me feel any better.
And what hurts most and has me feeling almost bitter,
Is that I can’t even cause any break-up drama!
I can’t even end it, ‘cause I guess we were never really together to begin with.
So what’s a girl to do with all of these feelings I still have left for you?

I still wake up in the middle of the night wanting to hate you,
But wishing that you were here so I could wrap my legs around you and curl into you.
Yet, knowing that in the same breath,
I’d probably just wrap my fingers around your neck and try to choke out of you
whatever secrets you hold about how you keep me coming back for more
when all you’re giving me is nothing.
Nothing less nothing more than nothing.
You treat me like I’m nothing more than a friend worth seeing every now and again,
and then another two weeks, another two months of nothing.
And you don’t even have to say a thing!
I know what this is.
Just like I know that I deserve better than this.

But the part of me that’s telling me that I deserve better than what you’re giving,
The part of me that’s fierce and proud, that’s sensible and rational-thinking,
The part of me that keeps asking me, “What did you ever see in him?”
The part of me that keeps telling me, “You know, your family never would have liked him.”
The part of me that keeps reminding me that with you, the sex was just really boring!
The part of me that keeps saying, “Don’t worry, one day you’ll find better than him.”
The part of me that keeps doing this everlasting thinking and self-critiquing,
This nonstop talking and analysing and rationalising and this on-and-on-and-on-ing
Is the part of me that I want to tell to shut the fuck up!

Because the part of me that’s still hurting and torn up
Is still not ready to give you up.
Still.

Pernais Morrison ©

AND


Woman Enuf

I’m looking for the kind of guy I’d find if I weren’t looking,
The kind that would stretch my sanity thin, keeping me suspended in mid-air, somewhere between reality and the imaginary.

The kind that would be my everything,
My ecstasy, my speed, my morphine, my heroine,
And my rehab when I finally realise I’m addicted to him.

The kind that would make me fall in love with him, grow to hate him, then grow to love him more than I did before I knew that I loved him, all in the same day that I meet him.

The kind that would make me smile in my sleep, and laugh till I weep
But, keep me crying my eyes out because he’s hurting me so bad, yet loving me so good, that I hate loving him more than I love hating him.

The kind that would have me wanting to meet his parents and have his babies,

Yet wanting to give him back his ring before he even proposes.
And still, I’d keep my naked fingers crossed, waiting for the day that he does.

I’m looking for the kind of guy I’d find if I weren’t looking,
The kind that would be man enuf to tell me that I won’t find him
Because he’s either married, determined to play the field till the day he dies, or just too damn busy looking for his own guy!

Or maybe the problem is that I’m actually looking for this guy.
So, if you see him, tell him I’m just looking to break up with him before I even meet him,
So that we could skip the whole dating thing and just get to know each other,
Grow to love the little things we hate about each other,
Be happy together, mad at each other, or madly in love with one another,
For a few days, a few months, a few years, a lifetime, or just seconds at a time.

But with all the time that I spend searching for someone else to make me happy,
waiting for someone to come along and rescue me from me,
and all the while,
forgetting to nurture the beautiful, sensitive creature that is the queen inside me,
even if God does decide to send me this king I’ve been seeking
if I can’t love me enuf for me,
if I’m not enuf for me,
will I ever be enuf for him?

Pernais Morrison ©

You can find more of her poems here: pernaisism.blogspot.com

Lady in Yellow and Lady in Red, More Than EnuF, Tokyo 2009


I want to dedicate these poems to all my girl friends out there who have gone through these same feelings before. To the girls who I've sit with having cocktails at 12 (Big up to my PIC Nats) or in Negril, drunk, frass and chatting wi business so loud dat Buju coulda hear everyting weh wi did a seh (lol). But mostly to the girls who've been hurt by men and are still searching for "the one".

These poems are for you.

iNi

am more than enuF

NadYa Dee