4.03.2007

In Retrospect

I haven't been able to continue the saga of the matey for personal and business reasons. As I am currently unemployed and overwhelmed with the amount of free time I now have to waste. But rest assured, I have not given up on the Chronicles of the Mate. If it is the last thing I do in this life, I will complete this story. But it's gunna take some time and a lot of white rum and ganja (why older folks always seh ganja like is the plague or something? anyhoo just a side thought)

Somewhere in between my ponderings on my future, my private blogging and my random naps after excessive libations, I realised that sometimes you have to know where your coming from before you can know where ure going.

And so after I editted all my past blogs I decided to dig up my journal entries from my hi5 page. It's not like anyone can read them there anyways, and I figured they'd serve more of a purpose here.

Enjoy!

Couple days after... - Oct. 27, 2004 at 07:49 AM
my schizophrenic desire augmented by the repeated injestion of both illegal and legal substances leads me to this specific point in life. I am alone, I was born alone and more than likely, whether this occurs in a genocide, I will die alone. I slave over purpose and meaning, day in day out. I am confused by my excessive thoughts. Words racing through my mind, continuously contradict themselves. At times I crave ignorance. A state of non-knowing well-being. How comforting that would be... Wisdom and knowledge are only burdens on my already strained mind and soul. Higher levels of education compress my will to be free.
If it is only to witness an occurence separate and apart from my shameful existence, I hope for resilience, for the strength to continue on this path. To bear the fruits of my labour with the pride with which I passed through into this alternate reality. A confusal of personality, only the bass and treble can jerk the thoughts in to their respective places. I shall now go and attempt to erase memories, attempt a state of not knowing...

Dettached - Oct. 28, 2004 at 02:02 PM
So here i am, at a point in my life in which i have resolved to swear off all hints of a romantic relationship i am confronted with more than i can manage. A burden on my soul...

The past clashes with the future and the present and all compete in my mind as they all possess individual characteristics which make up my perfect man. Number one is a best friend who wants more than friendship, this i am not able to give. One is a past lover who is already in a complicated committed relationship, to him i will not surrender my all, i can't. Number Three is unavailable to me in every sense but the physical. Number Four is a promise of the good to come, but knowing the nature of my past relationships it too may crumble and fail. Number four has the immense potential to make up for the vast failures my previous choices turned out to be. What will it be? a life swarmed with regret or a lifetime of destructive decisions. The result in both cases are synonymous.

Nevertheless...

I try to exhibit a calm exterior, positive and in control when in fact i am the epitomy of a commital fear, a sworn enemy of love. It is unfair, yet the painful reality of my already split personality will simply go with the flow. It has been written,one which i alone cannot rewrite...

Multiple Personalities - Oct. 29, 2004 at 05:42 AM

After having several different and independent conversations with a few of the men in my life, I have stumbled onto the realisation of something known internally, intrinsically, all along. That we're all sharing here. For them, they're sharing me whether or not they are fully aware of the others' existence.

For me, now, I have found myself in a peculiar yet awkwardly intriguing situation. I have found myself in a classification of "one of us" i.e. a matey, one of his girlfriends. Now being a very possessive and selfish only child, I find it very difficult to accept the fact that any man of mine could possibly have another woman (although i have other men) but similarly that this dumb girl has no problem admitting that she is sharing this man, with me, a teenager at that (for shame). I am forced to turn to the uprise in familiar-sex relationships as the cause of this phenomena. Is the population of men decreasing to such an extent that three to four (or more) girls are now forced to and see no problem with sharing ONE man?

Or maybe, as I am carried back to my initial belief in life, it is that women (and men) seem to only be attracted to the opposite sex when they are already unavailabe.
Now things like this have been going on for ages. The real question to ask now, i guess, is do we chose to join a group of 'uses' or is it just a cruel manifestation of this ruthless world that we live in??

I shan't fight it though, i'll just roll with the punches, so what if i'm one of 'us' in ONE case? I'm sure, by a little mathematic calculation,that in the end i will end up with one man and them, one girl. There are no winners and losers in this game of life, mainly compromisers.

And the world just keeps on turning - Nov. 24, 2004 at 05:20 AM

Will it never end?
Is it my fault?
I prayed for a combo and that's what i got
but fear from past experiences keep me abate
i just want to be free for a while
be my own me
i don't wish to be tamed right now
or do i?
maybe thats exactly what i need
who knows?
i know i don't
will i ever know?
or will good/ great opportunites continue to pass me by?
will i never learn the way
I need a replacement SIM(Someone Important to Me)
a chance to rechannel these feelings to one more deserving
Physic-ally energy can neither be created nor destroyed just transferred from one form to another
is it the same way with love?
Or am i deluded, eluded into wanting something not meant for me
but i can't be the dumb fuck you want me to be,
i can't just be complacent, subversive
who do you want ? is it me or who you want me to be?
and if it's the latter then you never wanted me to begin with, did you?
it seems the more i move the more i sink into this abyss of quick sand
i wish i could have gone head first
save myself from the torture
wriggling to break free while, like an animal, trapped
no resolution
no ESCAPE.

That's it for now...

Nadya Dee